Bakula: I’m just saying it should be CAPTAINS order, that’s what I’m saying…

Mulgrew: I… Agree…

Bakula: in order of air date, most recent first…

Mulgrew: that… Is… CRAZY, your show lasted 3 seasons, I was captain… For… Seven.

Bakula: it was four seasons, and that’s not the point, I was the more senior…

Mulgrew: That’s… Outrageous!!!

Stewart: we are starfleet CAPTAINS!!. We are defined by our actions, and our impact on Star Fleet..

Bakula: you are NOT going first, Patrick.

Stewart: ours had the greatest impact, this is undeniable!

Mulgrew: oh stop! The audience was desperate.

Stewart: and we did it without the cheap theatre gimmickry of a… BORG… In a spandex bodystocking.

Mulgrew: that… Was… A… Logical plot… Move….

Bacula: haha, yeah… Haha… Right!! Your ratings were worse than ours before spandex and padding showed up magically left the collective!

Stewart: the way forward is clear, by seniority I go first!! Listen to them, they’re chanting my name.

Mulgrew: they’re chanting “Jeri” not Patrick.

Stewart: they are very clearly here to see me, I’ve done Scrooge and Star Trek movies. I was doing sci fi before you two were acting, I did…..

Bakula: oh stop! You had a bit part and everyone went to that movie to see Matilda May naked…

Stewart: How… DARE… YOU!!!! I won a BAFTA…

Mulgrew: Gentlemen, clearly it should be ladies FIRST. I go out sit in the middle chair, then you… Two… Gentlemen come out and sit on… Either… Side.

Bakula: haha, try again Kate. We tried that in Minneapolis and I couldn’t walk past the two of you, you both kept your chairs back.

Mulgrew: that was a mistake, the table should have been further forward

Stewart: ABSOLUTELY correct account of what transpired

Bakula: won’t happen again.

“Ladies and gentlemen: Jeri… RYAN!!!!”

Bakula: what!?! She’s not even in Star Fleet!!

Stewart: outrageous unsurpation of command structure!!!

Mulgrew: logically I should go next, she’s part of MY crew!!!

This is a time pre computer graphics for any but the heavies like Disney. Star Wars is still confusingly known to begin with Episode 4, and an upstart indie film maker is going to make an old-skool monster movie: small desert town, wierd monster, low budget effects blended into a delicate pastiche of cinematic cult excellence on par with Evil Dead 2.

Throwing a surprising zest to the mix, celebrities Reba Macintyre (pre The Reba Macintyre Show/post fame as a country/western singer of songs I’ll never know or care about) and the surprisingly available Michael Gross (post opposite the breakout role for Michael J Fox and NOT for Michael Gross) and previously mentioned Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, the Melody Anderson-esque actress who’ll forever be known as “Rhonda: Rhonda LeBeck” and the famous child actress who – after screaming at monsters in Tremors would go on to scream at dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

With solid director, formulaic plot and characters in the best homage sense of the word and most respectful of the genre in a polar opposite way that The Blob remake with Kevin Dillon wasn’t, excellence was a foregone conclusion with the same certainty of the failure of the Body Snatchers remake.

Flash forward thru 2 sequels featuring an (apparantly) desperate Fred Ward holding on for Tremors 2 what remained consistent was the seemingly content and “flush with opposite-Michael J Fox-F you money” Michael Gross. Thru sequels clearly disavowed from the possibly dead producer/writer of the original, Gross kept his wits about him and continued to work the hairs-breadth-thin plot device of “my wife left me” to cover over the uncomfortable realities of the vast chasm of a difference between his quirky character married to the perky ginger Reba who were both survivalists in Texas and, instead, became the always-alone and now single Michael Gross character living the lonely and sad survivalist living under ground, reloading ammo and funding a lifestyle with no obvious income beyond the possibility of cooking meth..

Long after a few minutes after filming on the first one ended and Kevin and Reba no longer took calls from Michael Gross, while Fred Ward did, plans were in the works by Gross to get his feet wet producing first an unquestionably aweful made-for-TV “movie” Tremors: Back To Perfection followed by the ponderous Tremors: The Series in which Michael Gross executive produces his way thru a syndicated series that was the epitome of syndicated filler programming of no quality, value or relevance devoid of even the simple television whoreishness of Cleopatra 2525 where everyone knew plots came second to buff women exposing their midriffs nicely framed by low cut tops and short-shorts.

Michael Gross understood none of this when he executive produced Tremors: The Series and failed to contact (hard to imagine she would have turned the role down) of the surprisingly compelling and refreshing “Rhonda: Rhonda Labeck.” Devoid of midriffs to gawk at or the dark societal commentary of the more short-lived Robocop: The Series, both available on DVD along with the ultimate slur to classic literature: War of the Worlds: The Series.

What you come away with from watching Tremors: The Series is the urge and need to do something else so that the finite time of your life spent watching wasn’t totally and utterly wasted. On something that is, inherently and fundamentally a total and utter waste of time for viewers and local independent stations who bought the broadcast rights.

It was late and I had no toothpaste, late night desperation often leads to questionable judgment and decisions but in this case all worked out well!!

At first you get a very slight soapy taste and texture and think “holy god what have I done? I’ve got soap in my mouth!!!” But just then. The peppermint kicks in and the soap essence goes away and it’s all fine (well… If you’re used to the gritty and thick texture of toothpaste, the soapy/foamy texture of this stuff will confuse your brain for the duration of the experience).. The trick is to use a TINY TINY drop otherwise you foam like a rabid dog. Think of the smallest drop you can drib onto the tooth brush, cut it by 2/3s.

Good on the Dr Bronner people for making a compact, high quality, cost-effective product. I don’t know the how’s or why’s of the product, but have to give them their due for making such an awesomely daft product with so many uses in this day where we’re indoctrinated to believe we need specialized products for each task (to which Dr Bronners proudly and without boastfulness proclaims “NO!”).

Sidenote- If when you call for delivery they DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR HOTEL IS you are really in a low-rent sort of motel. Is this bad? Well the bed’s clean, you can park close until to the room to throw your bags in, and they’ve got AMC on cable. As if the 2×4s (unfinished) holding up the sink wasn’t a clue as they stand up proudly visible from the front door to make sure there is NO confusion between you who rent this room and those who provide this room. You want overpriced french fries (with mustard mayo) in a sports bar with all-you-can-eat popcorn and “bartender” who may, or may NOT, understand the connection between tips and keeping my glass full, then you go to the Holiday Inn on the beach and pay 4x as much. But you’re not there, you’re here because it’s cheap and you only care about the clean bed and ready access to parking (as if you want to lug all your crap up to the 4th floor, down the hall make a left, then a right, then a left).

AMC when you’ve been driving all day is awesome, it’s mindless and usually has decent movies (especially when you’re mindless).

“The Crew”- never saw it, but actually quite good (although Burt Reynolds with face lifts disturbing, I remember seeing “Smokey And The Bandit” in the theater and I think it was one of the reasons I came to appreciate the open roads, although being in NYC the roads are less open). Now Richard Dreyfuss talking gangster, well, I don’t think so. He narrates the movie like he did in Stand By Me, but with an affected accent and wiseguy gangster talk. Think “Goodfellas” (on AMC earlier this evening) but with Richard Dryfuss/Stand By Me narration… Doesn’t work, does it?

And then we get to 4am on a Sunday morning and American Movie CLASSICS puts on… “Mr Mom.” Now yes at 4am what COULD they put on? It’s fill time and Mr Mom is as “fill” as you can get (other than the Michael Keaton movie when he”s an out-of-work car factory worker) or maybe the ’70s classic and Bigfoot Monster Truck breakout flick “Take This Job and Shove It” (I’m hoping that never makes it to AMC or DVD, some things are best left buried in time because they DO NOT age well… Much like Burt Reynolds I’m hesitant to suggest).

Back to 4am in Delaware, AMC, commercials for erectmed.com (a penis pump? The Pos-T-Vac?) and “Mr Mom:” this movie sucks. It sucked in the ’80s when the chronically and tragically unfunny Michael Keaton was the darling of Hollywood (“Mr Mom,” the car movie, other hits?) and it sucks now and probably is reaching in trying to get viewers for 5am penis pump commercials (pump by vague insinuation, not illustration, some things don’t belong on TV; free, paid, cable or otherwise).

I remember before DVDs and hundreds of cable channels (like AMC), back in the ’80s on summer vacation and/or weekends at the mercy of HBO’s scheduling dept there were staple filler movies: “One Of The Guys” and “Mr Mom” were most assuredly on the HBO go-to list. You need PG filler during the day, you go with “Mr Mom” and “One Of The Guys.” You need nighttime filler you go with “Tom Boy” (NOT Tommy Boy, “TOM BOY”…. Look it up), “American Ninja” (any of the series) or any of the Cynthia Rothrock flops (no offense to Cynthia, female karate movies are a no-joy for most guys. Sexist? Probably. Honest? Yes- the fact that maybe 6 people know what I’m talking about proves this out).

Back to the awful Michael Keaton and his breakout-awful movie “Mr Mom:” it truly is awful with neither comedic nor erotic qualities. You’d think with Ann Gillian and Terry Garr there’d at least be eye candy to distract from the overall mess of the movie, but you’d be wrong. First of all, the movie is awful beyond measure. Second of all, neither of these women in this movie are even remotely attractive. With bad 80s wardrobe and hairstyles (bad poofy short hair) they don’t help (I’m not convinced anyone wanted to see Anne Gillian with bad brown short hair standing in a surprisingly unappealing red nighty attempting to seduce Keaton’s character who is not surprisingly not interested). This assumes, of course, either of them are your cup of tea, so to speak. Interesting tie-in: Terry Garr in this movie and Richard Dreyfuss in previous both appeared in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.”

Back to Keaton- unfunny in a way worse than the guy from “The Mask” (not the lion face boy “Mask,” the funny(er) one with Cameron Diaz). That guy is often funny until he becomes tiresome in the “Please shut UP, Robin Williams” sort of way. Keaton never got to that level, meaning there was never a time when you didn’t want him to shut up. “Mr Mom” is an unfunny series of unfunny situations similar to “Land Of The Lost” but featuring the unfunny Michael Keaton written by the sometimes (long ago) funny John Hughes. “Next thing you’re strung out on bed spreads”…. “Could ANY actor make that line funny?” You might protest, and it would be a fair point, but – to my way of thinking – a good (and funny) actor can carry a bad script to make the movie at least passable (like the chick in “Tom Boy” or the guy in “Tommy Boy,” for that matter). We’ll leave aside the implications of suggesting Keaton knew Mr Mom sucked and just took the money (like a prostitute, but without a happy ending for anyone involved orgasmically or financially) .

“BATMAN” some will shout. Keaton did “BATMAN” and they’d be right, but he actually said (thankfully) very little and it was all Tim Burton. And most of the time it was someone OTHER than Keaton doing the work and wearing the costume. Burton, in further demonstration of his masterful work in telling a story and crafting characters kept Michael Keaton down to small brooding bits and pieces so that, in reality, Tim Burton’s Michael Keaton was just the right amount of Keaton in spite of having Keaton as the star of a movie in the exactly opposite way it was with Keaton starring in “Mr Mom.”

To not mention Martin Moll is to do a disservice to Moll, Mr Mom, and any attempt at a fair review. Moll provides nothing to Mr Mom, simple as that. He is a very exterior character, and neither adds nor subtracts from the tragedy that is “Mr Mom.”

Let me just say if the meat version is as odd as the veg version I don’t know what the attraction may be. The veg version also has algae to give it a slightly fishy, yet unnervingly slimey texture- much like a real abalone I suppose..

Granted, I microwaved it, but I don’t necessarily believe that made things better or worse. Thinly-ish sliced, and it was sort of a quivering-ish sort of gooey splat in a caucasion skin tone that made it seem disturbingly like something someone might find growing progressively larger on their body.until the urgent need for removal set in out of progressively growing fear of a “something wrong” situation.

As. I continue to think about what I’ve just consumed I feel slightly skittish in the tummy area.

I am both attracted and repulsed at what I may find if I google an abalone to see what sort of life form the veg version attempted to mimic with – I suspect – disturbing authenticity from the slime to the soft and gooey-ish texture. Whether or not I ever google this sea-based life form, what I’ve just experienced will never – I fear – be free of my memory.

What I wanted: pen pockets outside, maps inside with enough space so I could flip thru them. Trivial, perhaps, but we’re talking Zen here. The perfect, most functional design that would allow me to find and store maps (and scraps of paper) while traveling using a case compact enough to fit in a tank bag. And make it bright – like orange, maybe, so it wouldn’t be lost (woops) or forgotten.

Sadly, my experience with sewing (other than a button) ended tragically with a sewing machine and my not having any clue what they were talking about in the instructions when it came to threading both the top needle that went up and down and apparently a lower round needle that’s the key to the whole sewing machine concept. Sadly for me, the pictograms of how to thread them, combined with my lousy eyesight means… well… it means nothing is being sewed.

Then it hit me: a guy on advrider.com posted about doing custom sewing. After some measuring and thinking and rough drawing on PhotoShop, off the designs went. $15 (plus shipping & handling) and a very few days later, I got my map case.

Outside: pen/pencil/highlighter pockets.

Inside: maps in outer pockets that allow for flipping thru maps, inner pockets for scrap paper, ferry schedules, unused maps.

The maps inside layed out to show how much the case holds!

Filled and closed (velcro holds it securely shut).

Awesome! In addition to the great work done, it’s really cool to have a custom-made piece of gear. Yes it may only be a map case, but it’s awesome, and it’s orange.

More Info including how to buy YOURS NOW in your choice of colors.